Thursday, August 21, 2014

7 Things I Love That Most People Hate


1) Winter / Snow
I will take a blizzard over a day at the beach anytime.
2) Early dusk
I don’t like the bright sun. I get energized at dusk. I like the nighttime, baby.
3) Superman
Oh, sure, he’s the first, the quintessential, the most well-known superhero of all. But ask anyone with any interest in the medium of comics what they think of Superman, and most will express ambivalence our outright disdain. Which is fucking sad.
4) Cats
Even many people who watch cat videos… still hate cats. Me, I love the goddamn finicky creatures, and will always have at least two.
5) Cleaning
I’m neat and organized. I like to clean. Maybe I shoulda’ been a maid.
6) Being fully dressed
Trust me, the more I’m covered up, the better. I’m rarely shirtless, even in bed, and am even reluctant to take off my shoes when home plopped on the couch. The more clothes I can wear (temperature permitting), the more comfortable I am.
7) A lack of meaning to our existence
What most of humanity finds terrifying (so much that we created “God” to quell the fear), I find liberating. I believe that our existence is random chance, with no grand scheme nor ultimate judgment. So relax, decide what life means to YOU, and live that life.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

2013 SEVEN, Pop Culture-Wise, Anyway...


The best show on TV. There, I said it. If you’re not watching it, you’re an idiot. Okay, maybe that’s harsh, but c’mon… you really should be. The most visually arresting show since TWIN PEAKS, but way better written and acted (and I was a fan!).
2) Stephen Colbert’s “Get Lucky” Dance
My favorite pop culture moment of 2013. The always-brilliant Colbert turned lemons (booked band cancels appearance) into sheer lemonade ebullience. I’ve watched it over a dozen times, and it puts a mile-wide smile on my face every time.
3) Friends’ Bands
The DefibulatorsDEBT’LL GET ‘EM was my favorite side of the year, and they were hardly the only amazing band comprised of people I call friend: Nipsey, D├ęsir Decir, The Wax Darts, Sarolea, the Tijuana Bibles, Life Eaters, Trio Agave, The Black Hollies, TV Sound, and Overlake are just a few names you should seek out.
4) Retro Comics
Despite a bitter taste regarding DC’s New 52, there are actually a handful of comic books that harken to days past that I’m buying: BATMAN: BLACK AND WHITE, ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, THE FOX (and, while technically a 2014 release, Bob Fingerman’s MINIMUM WAGE reboot)!
While the behavior of the Aryans felt at times a bit too Deus ex Machina, the final 8 episodes of maybe the second best drama of all time delivered an ending both satisfying and surprising. Bravo, Vince Gilligan.
IDW’s second volume in its massive trilogy showcases my all-time favorite artist at his creative peak, while giving insight into lost projects and all the greatness that might have been.
While sitcoms continue to be mostly tired anachronisms, sketch comedy remains fertile, mostly on these two shows which—while admittedly hit or miss—have more than a handful of hilarious, eminently rewatchable moments that skirt brilliance.

And, while I have your attention:
This marks as many posts in 2014 as there were in all of 2013, and I honestly have no idea if it's going to be the same from here out. The irony is, as the Internet has become primarily a repository of lists, the impetus to add to this particular blog seems to have dwindled, perhaps in response. List overload? You tell me. If people send me good lists of 7, I'll be happy to add to the pot. Otherwise, I'll see you next January!

Monday, May 13, 2013

7 Reasons I Didn't Do Any 2012 Wrap-Ups

1) My formerly favorite TV show had an absolutely horrible season.
2) My most-anticipated film turned out to be somewhat of a bloated letdown (even if it took me a while to admit it).
3) I bought exactly one rock CD that wasn’t made by friends of mine.
4) I didn’t really buy any comic books in 2012 either.
5) I was really busy.
6) Okay, I really liked THE AVENGERS, KEY & PEELE, MAD MEN, BREAKING BAD, THE ART OF DANIEL CLOWES, and a few other things.
7) ...But for the most part, 2012 was a year that can bite me.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Seven Ways to Get Directly to Jersey City from NYC

LYSA with a Y, Jersey City NJ
(A list for the dislocated mid-westerner and others geographically-challenged)
2. Ferry
3. Cannon
4. Tightrope
5. The Jesus Way
6. Holland Tunnel
7. Slingshot

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Facebook Good / Facebook Bad


Let's face it; Facebook haters are as annoying and stubbornly Quixotic as those people who decried television as the bane of society's existence. Facebook is merely a communications medium, and like any medium, it's got its merits and disadvantages. At its best, it can be a powerful tool for social and political change, a virtual gathering place in times of need or a fascinating educator. At its worst, it can be an insipid time waster, a proselytizing bigot or a permanent record of how people have really shitty taste and don't know grammar at all.

The rules of Facebook are simple. Or at least they should be. The problem with social media's instantaneous spontaneity is that people don't take a moment to second guess their status updates and posts. And a lot of the time, they really should. Here are 14 simple dos and don'ts for adding to the Book of Face.

1) Funny comedy gag based on political or social event
2) Link to interesting news story along with your comment on said tale
3) Photo of a completed creative project (can include a meal you made)
4) Amusing one-liners, preferably original
5) Pop culture non-sequiturs that challenge the reader to note the origin
6) Link to cool, obscure pop culture clip of some sort
7) Genuinely interesting personal updates from far-away friends and family (the key here is “interesting”… remember, kids, if you wouldn't bother saying it in person, why would you bother typing it?

1) Photo of your lunch (seriously, not one person cares)
2) Inspirational words or wisdom jpeg (usually ugly, to boot)
3) Weather status update (we have Siri for that, thank you)
4) Exclamations without explanations (“Godammit!” does not suffice)
5) Insincere, train-jumping celebrity memorials (so sad about that guy who was in that thing)
6) Compliment-fishing photos of the beautiful people (We get it, you’re purty)
7) Talking about your workout / how sore you are after your workout (Let’s arm wrestle)

Please note I carefully avoided mentioning photos and videos of your kids. Everyone loves every single one that you post… Every. Single. One.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

7 Suggested New Slogans for Hoboken NJ

POPS GUSTAV*, Jersey City NJ
1) Hoboken NJ: What’s Your Fuckin' Problem, Bro?
2) Hoboken NJ: Draining Trust Funds Since 1996
3) Hoboken NJ: Corruption, Schmorruption! We’ve got the Cake Boss!
4) Hoboken NJ: Come for the Bars, Stay for the Date Rape!
5) Hoboken NJ: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Wish to Park
6) Hoboken NJ: Shots! Shots! Shots!
7) Hoboken NJ: So Close to NYC and Yet So Far

*#1 courtesy of Mitch Cady and John Feuerbach

Thursday, March 15, 2012

7 Guys Who Would Make Those 1800 “Whatever Happened to…” Commercials Much Less Douchey (Sorry, Michael Imperioli)

In case you haven't seen the offending commercials, go here... I agree with almost every sentiment expressed in these ads, but Michael Imperioli—whom I like, mind you—is a poor choice of spokesperson. Here are some suggestions for guys who can evoke a retro sensibility without seeming like they would really rather just smash that bottle over your head (avoiding the obvious choices, being Clooney and any MAD MEN cast member):

1. Paul F. Tompkins
2. Patrick Warburton
3. Elvis Costello
4. Leonard Nimoy
5. Stephen Colbert
6. Terry O’Quinn
7. Bruce Campbell

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

7 Tee-Vee Show Drinking Games

1) PAWN STARS: Any time someone says, “Back in the day…” do a shot of whiskey.
2) HARDBALL: Whenever Chris Matthews drools, spits or farts, you have to drink a full bottle of Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA by pouring it into your mouth from 12 inches above your head.
3) HAWAII FIVE-0: Pound a Jell-O shot and a full can of SPAM every time an anorexic girl comes onscreen.
4) FACE OFF: Whenever someone says, “Throw (pronoun) under the bus,” drink a shot of Goldschlager from the hollowed out skull of a hamster.
5) ALCATRAZ: Any time a character reacts without shock to seeing someone who just traveled 50 years in time, down five Old Fashioneds.
6) TOP CHEF: Drink a shot of chilled asparagus gin with a dash of artisinal cumquat bitters and a topping of bacon foam whenever a contestant uses the term, “flavor profile.”
7) PORTLANDIA: Any time you’re not sure if Carrie and Fred are mocking someone or think that they’re really cool, drink something brewed at home by your friend who really loves Deerhoof and just bought some new bow ties.

Monday, January 30, 2012

7 things you may not know you’re not supposed to do in a bar.

1) …plop your coat / bag on the bar and leave ‘em there. This is a workspace. You are creating an impediment.
2) …help yourself to anything out of the garnish tray. If you desire another lime, ask for it. If you want a snack, order something off the menu. The olives are not all for you.
3) …assume that your drink will still be there if you wander off for more than five minutes and don’t say anything or give some sign (like the ol’ bevnap on the glass) that you’re coming back. I’ve had people leave a drink on the bar, then return a half an hour later asking where it is.
4) …think that the straws / stirrers are your own personal stash of chew sticks.
5) …assume that your spilled drink will be replaced at no charge. If you drive a car off the lot and crash it two blocks away, do you get another car for free? The bartender might cut you a break, but then again, he might not.
6) …leave a giant tip right off the bat. It makes the drinkslinger uncomfortable because the implication is that you’re now expecting special treatment (and a good bartender doesn’t show anyone special treatment).
7) … assume—especially if it’s busy—that the bartender remembers which tab is yours. It’s not too hard to just say “The tab is under [last name here].”

Thanks for your attention. Oh, and don’t ever call Jameson “Jaymo.”

7 things that bands are doing at any town on any stage in any club in America... that you should take issue with

1. Playing a Beatles cover. A#1 rule - don't cover the Beatles. Ever. Never ever. Never. Just never.
2. This is a snobby one, but I like to see classic guitars - Fenders, Gibsons, Gretsches and Epiphones. Dont settle for anything "off."
3. A band thats says things like "Here's another shitty one" or "We suck, but we'll keep playing" - not only is it annoying but it's false modesty so it's a LIE. Dont give them the opportunity to do it again.
4. Drummer with a mic*. I've seen too many bands where the drummer gets a mic and gets way too chatty. Cut it off at the pass.
5. Not tipping the bartender - bands are big on this for some reason. I'll never understand why.
6. "Somebody buy me a shot!" - How about the bar will be there when you get off stage so you can get it yourself. Grow up, Peter Pan.
7. Generally too much talking. Just play your songs. No one is there for anything else.

*with the exception of Levon Helm. That man could sing and he was "no bulls**t" with the mic.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

7 ways to judge a book (read: "person") by its cover

I worked in a record store for a long time - not unlike our fearless leader, Pops. Now, despite my inclination and desire to tell you that the "record store stereotype" is trumped up or insensitive or even inaccurate... it isn’t. And I’m no liar. So - with that in mind I give you both my admition that I am a criminally judgmental clerk and 7 of the moves I make to get to that warm happy place of impassioned loathing and (potential) ignorance.

1. Shoes
In my humble opinion the fastest way to pick a winner from the lot is their shoes. It’s a game of trial and error (much like the perfect ratio of scoops to water in the mr. coffee machine) before you can get it right. Many ins and outs. But on the day you determine that the d-bag you’ve been arguing with wasn’t worth your time because he is a grown man in a pair of bright blue Skechers ("It’s the S!"), you'll remember this entry and think "Damn, that a**hole on 7-NOW was RIGHT!"

2. The "Man Blouse"
I don’t feel like explaining this one other than to offer THIS. also - its not the SEINFELD joke about the puffy shirt.. it’s an actual problem.

3. Colored jeans
Jeans are blue. They are also allowed to be black. I look at it this way - if I wouldn’t write a letter or sign my name in that color... I wouldn’t wear denim pants in that color either. This one really only applies to men, though. Women can get away with more.

4. The CD booklet
This one is a bit more personal AND a bit more specific to my past life as the resident Rob Gordon. I don’t have a problem with the CD book/wallet/what-have-you – what I have a problem with is the discarding of the jewel case (and in most, but not all cases the LINER NOTES) and the inherent disrepair of the ancient wallet as it gets on in years – thereby forcing the discs into disrepair as well. There are only a few ways to tell this one. Not a whole lot “got my Irish up” in the store as much as when some clown came in trying to sell me their CD collection and handed me a Case Logic full of scratched up Phish CDs. Really dude? My line was always “would you buy this?” and that sent them away. That’s a pretty specific instance though. I find it more now as the CD has begun to fade away and as friends of mine are discarding their old ones only to reveal that they “got rid of that stuff a long time ago” in regards to the companions to the actual discs. A quicker less specific way is this: if you get into someone’s car, and they have a CD wallet and its super dusty, potentially ripped up and the booklets are torn frayed and jammed in with the CDs – run. John Waters has a line that is something like “if you walk into someone place and there are no books… don’t f**k that person” – same principle. Walk away.

5. Books
This one is easy AND universal! If I see you on the PATH train reading a book of a new popular movie AND your copy of the book is the movie tie in with Julia Roberts’ face plastered on the cover… I can tell you that not only do I not want to be your friend… but you most CERTAINLY don’t want to be mine.

6. Band T-Shirts
Very few band t-shirts are allowed over the age of 16. VERY few. Here are a couple of ground rules:
•  No solo artists ever (even under 16). There is nothing cool about a shirt with some dudes name on it. There is no such thing as a “cool” Bob Dylan t-shirt.
•  Allowed: the Clash, the Ramones, Black Flag, Motorhead, the Sex Pistols (sparingly), the Rolling Stones (from 71-78 ONLY… pushing it but OK).
•  Oversized? Over done. If it doesn’t fit – donate that shit. You’ll get more pleasure seeing it worn by some homeless guy in 8 months than you will by wearing it EVER.
•  It has to be a standard short sleeve tshirt – none of THIS (see: number 2 as well)
•  Black is probably your best bet. Grey is OK too. Avoid any other colors.
•  Serious DON'Ts: Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Hootie & the Blowfish.

7. Cigar smoking in public
This habit pervasive and sorta disgusting – it doesn’t bother me if you smoke cigars in private. In fact that can be relaxing. I take issue with the old dude walking around town puffing away in his fleece vest and NY Jets baseball hat letting his engine fuel Cuban waft into every store front he passes by. That guy is a d**k. Everyone knows it. He should be publicly punished. I recommend something like The Lottery. Anyone else?

That’s all I got. This list at times felt forced. At times felt a little weighted. And at times felt very specific to my experiences… but screw you if you don’t like it – IT'S MY LIST.

Here’s to more a confrontational internets.

Billy Alpha’s 7 Favorite Mysteries of the Unknown

There is a lot of weird stuff out there in the world. Have you ever pointed a wire hanger shaped like an ancient Egyptian symbol at Stonehenge, felt a surge of energy in your arms and woken up 8 hours later not sure if it was all in your head? Neither have I, but because of the Time-Life Mysteries of the Unknown series of books (which were published from the late 80s to early 90s, and advertised during the 3-5pm cartoon block after school) I always wanted to. So here are my 7 favorite Mysteries of the Unknown that I have culled from years of personal research. Coincidence? I think not.

1. Dyatlov Pass Incident -
A team of nine Russian athletes and scientists go cross country skiing in the mountains, and never make it home. After the thaw, they are found naked, without tongues, and bathed in radiation. Its like a real life documented Blair Witch Project with some Soviet era Cold War intrigue thrown in.

2. Underground Bases at Dulce, New Mexico -
Deep underground Dulce, New Mexico, are massive black budget military bases. This one has it all, alien-human hybrids, hyper-spatial Nazi scientists, black helicopters, firefights between CIA operatives and Greys, and eyewitness testimony with government documents as evidence!

3. Mothman and the collapse of the Silver Bridge in Pt. Peasant, West Virginia -
Mothman shows up and bad things happen, including the collapse of the Silver Bridge, a horrible documentary, and a sort of awesome Richard Gere movie.

4. Travis Walton -
Did you ever see Fire in the Sky? The part where they stick the needle in his eye? Yeah that might have really happened.

5. Black Eyed Kids -
This one is a fairly new phenomena. So you’re kicking back, maybe eating some za, and firing up the xbox to take out some dragons in the Rim, when there is a knock at your door. So you get up expecting UPS, but its not. Its some kids with pitch black eyes asking to use your phone. At first you think its some local juggalos, but before you can reach for your spray bottle you realize these kids are staring into your soul, and igniting your fight or flight response. The worst part is there are only stories of folks who did not let them in.

6. The CIA’s Project Stargate, and Remote Viewing -
The United States government spent around 25 million dollars on a project that trained people to mind travel to anywhere. They did, and it worked...maybe.

7. John Titor -
So back in the early aughts John Titor shows up on Internet message boards claiming that he was a time traveler from the year 2036. Titor explained that the United States had been devastated by civil war, and that our future society will sort of mirrored life in The Hunger Games. Titor wrote that he traveled back to 1975 to pick up an IBM 5100 computer, which could be used in the future to help translate some old code. So he takes a pit stop in November of 2000 for a few months to visit some family, explain time travel, and warn us all about what’s to come. Titor’s out was always that he was from a similar, but not the same timeline as us, and thus things could be different here. The really eerie thing is how current physics multi-verse theory jibes with what Titor was saying. Just ask Michio Kaku.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Seven From 2011

Not a great year for culture, pop or otherwise, nor even a particularly coherent year. The event of 2011 was Occupy Wall Street, which addressed the tough problems of how we now live in a way that no art seemed capable of doing. As the internet continues to erode even the concept of mainstream entertainment, we may be in for more years like 2011, in which everything seems deeply personal but still marginal.

This in addition to the fact that I am perpetually catching up (favorite thing I watched this year? Mad Men. Finally.) makes it difficult for me to judge the best of any given year. Despite all that, here is a list of seven things from 2011 I liked:

1. The Book of Mormon
As great as everyone says. It has so many awesome parts.

2. Congress of Animals by Jim Woodring

3. Louie
Both the man and the show.

4. Moebius Trans Forme
I traveled all the way to Paris to see this career retrospective of one of my favorite artists. I suspect it was a once in a lifetime exhibit, but here's hoping that I'm wrong.

5. Paying for It by Chester Brown
Brown’s essay in the form of a memoir is either a study in denial or a provocative argument for a new way of living.

6. Portlandia
Marginal by design, almost to the point of being a mission statement, but every episode features something that makes me laugh out loud and there’s no show I look forward to watching more.

7. Tree of Life