Monday, November 17, 2008

Seven things that are always, unfailingly, 100% guaranteed to piss Bob off.

1. Holding the door open to a succession of impolite douchebags, none of which take the nanosecond to say, “thank you.” It always brings on my Tourette's-like "Irish whispering," where I mutter audibly under my breath contemptuous comments like “Am I your fucking doorman?” or “You’re welcome, your highness.” Especially when they’re college kids. Take a break from your formal lessons to learn some fucking manners, you privileged dickholes.
2. Articles about Peanuts that misspell its creator’s name. How fucking hard is it to get Schulz right, assholes? Schultz, indeed. I bet you’d never get Jim Davis’s name wrong. Grrr.
3. Beginning to do something and then forgetting what it was right as I’m about to do it. Come on, brain, whose side are you on? Jerk! (File under: thing I was about to say; thing I was about to look up online)
4. Any and all computer woes. I can’t reason with machines, and of all machines, computers are the most unreasonable. I have switched from PC to Mac, so finally, occasional hiccup aside, it’s been much smoother. But fuck Windows. Fuck it right in its mean virtual asshole!
5. Gravity overdoses. When I get a serial case of “the dropsies” and things keep hitting the deck. Why is it inanimate objects think falling on the ground is so goldarned funny? Grow up, inanimate objects!
6. When rich people of any race cry the blues or play the victim card. You’re rich; suck it up!
7. Smug religious people who think they’ve got all the answers because in their feeble capacity they do! God is responsible for everything so why question anything? Or learn anything? Ever.

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