Monday, November 17, 2008

Seven things that are always, unfailingly, 100% guaranteed to piss Bob off.

1. Holding the door open to a succession of impolite douchebags, none of which take the nanosecond to say, “thank you.” It always brings on my Tourette's-like "Irish whispering," where I mutter audibly under my breath contemptuous comments like “Am I your fucking doorman?” or “You’re welcome, your highness.” Especially when they’re college kids. Take a break from your formal lessons to learn some fucking manners, you privileged dickholes.
2. Articles about Peanuts that misspell its creator’s name. How fucking hard is it to get Schulz right, assholes? Schultz, indeed. I bet you’d never get Jim Davis’s name wrong. Grrr.
3. Beginning to do something and then forgetting what it was right as I’m about to do it. Come on, brain, whose side are you on? Jerk! (File under: thing I was about to say; thing I was about to look up online)
4. Any and all computer woes. I can’t reason with machines, and of all machines, computers are the most unreasonable. I have switched from PC to Mac, so finally, occasional hiccup aside, it’s been much smoother. But fuck Windows. Fuck it right in its mean virtual asshole!
5. Gravity overdoses. When I get a serial case of “the dropsies” and things keep hitting the deck. Why is it inanimate objects think falling on the ground is so goldarned funny? Grow up, inanimate objects!
6. When rich people of any race cry the blues or play the victim card. You’re rich; suck it up!
7. Smug religious people who think they’ve got all the answers because in their feeble capacity they do! God is responsible for everything so why question anything? Or learn anything? Ever.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Seven ways to make Election Day better:

1. The same machine in every polling place across the nation.
2. A paper receipt with every vote.
3. The same policy on early voting nation wide.
4. The number of voting machines in polling places should directly correspond with that district/ward's population.
5. Have it on a Saturday.
6. Same day registration nationwide. They already do it in Idaho, Iowa, Maine, Minnesota, Montana, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Wisconsin and Wyoming.
7. A free slice of apple pie with every vote.

7 Wonderful Things About Election Day:

1. Voting
2. Free coffee!
3. Listening to people in my office discuss politics instead of celebrities
4. Jon Stewart announcing Obama’s win
5. Stephen Colbert tearing up when Barack Obama won
6. Karl’s text message of jubilee
7. Feeling hopeful for the first time in years

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008

7 things Gretchen will do in case of a McCain victory tomorrow:

1. Decide which country I'd like to live in.
2. Pack my toothbrush (and nothing else).
3. Set fire to my apartment and stand back smoking a cigar, admiring the flames.
4. Drive to the airport.
5. Set fire to my car and stand back smoking a cigar, admiring the flames.
6. Get on the plane to the aforementioned mystery country (I'm routing for Greece at the moment...).
7. Order a cocktail and toast my new life. And never look back.

Top Seven Reasons to Vote for Barack Obama for President:

1. Intelligence
2. Non-reactionary, thought out responses to crises and questions as they arise.
3. The first, and only current hope for any kind of change in our government.
4. His ability to gather experts, listen to multiple sides of an issue, and come to a well rational, reasoned solution.
5. Joe Biden (governing more than speaking)
6. His ability to inspire America's youth to participate in the political process.
7. So I don't turn into some crazed radical Abbie Hoffman type or have a nervous breakdown.